Fan Fiction: Bill meets Charlie the Unicorn, by Katie

This is the first time I’ve ever had my work used in somebody else’s fan fiction, which makes me rather happy and proud of it.  This piece was written by my good friend Katie who envisioned it while asking, “What if William Von Vaughn de Capitcha le Bonificat McMallimut Thompson Leighton the XXII, Jr. met Charlie the Unicorn?”  It is every bit as disturbingly funny as the original Charlie the Unicorn videos on Youtube (if you haven’t seen them, I suggest you do, but only if you don’t value your sanity–sanity is overrated anyway).  This story is written in the form of a script.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Morning in a nondescript cartoon rendered meadow, a grumpy white unicorn is asleep.  Two smaller companions trot over and start jumping on him.

High Pitched Voice Unicorn (HPVU) 1: CHARLIE!  CHARLIE!

HPVU 2: Wake up Charlie!!!!

Charlie: Gah what do you two want?  Would you STOP JUMPING on where my now nonexistent kidney was???????

HPVU 1: We’re going to a forest, Charlie!!! Where there are dragons and castles and fellow talking unicorns!!!

HPVU 2: Yeah, Charlie!  Come with us!  

Charlie: Ok, I’ll come, but only because you two will get progressively more annoying the longer I wait.  

1&2: YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! They begin to sing as the three of them trot along. In the forest the mighty forest the dragon sleeps tonight!!  WaOOOOOOOOOOO –

Charlie: STOP!!!!! Why must you two ALWAYS SING??????????????

HPVU 1: Don’t be a hater, Charlie!  It adds to the scene and could be potential foreshadowing!

HPVU 2: Yeah, foreshadowing, Charlie!

Charlie: Ok, FINE!!!!!

1 & 2: YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! IN THE FOREST THE MIGHTY FOREST THE DRAGON SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Woooooosh! …. THUNK!!!!!!!

Charlie lets out a bloodcurdling scream as a sword narrowly misses his head and embeds itself in a tree. A young woman in armor loads an arrow onto a bow and stares at Charlie.

Charlie: Oh crap, who are you? Katniss Everdeen???
Bill the Unicorn: I believe my fairest virgin princess was too scared to introduce herself properly. This is Princess Lia.

Charlie: Oh, great. And who are you supposed to be? Hans Solo?

Bill the Unicorn: Oh, heavens no, my name is William Von Vaughn de Capitcha le Bonificat McMallimut Thompson Leighton the XXII, Jr. But you may call me Bill. I am accompanying the virgin princess in her quest to slay the dragon.

SLAP!

Lia: Don’t you DARE refer to me as Virgin Princess when you introduce me ever again!

Bill: Yes, dear.

Charlie: Oh ok. Well, that explains a lot. Uh…. yeah. Nice to meet you both. Good luck. Bye.

He starts to walk away.

HPVU 1: Charlie! Wait!

HPVU 2: Yeah, wait, Charlie!  You must help them in this quest!

Charlie: Aaaaw, not right now guys, I really need to get home.

HPVU 1: For what? You just sit around at home, Charlie!

HPVU 2: Yeah, Charlie!

Charlie: Exactly! I just would like some peace and quiet.

HPVU: But the only way out is for you to help Princess Lia and Bill the Unicorn slay the dragon!

Charlie: What???? Aaaaw, CRAP! Don’t tell me that you two knew that all along!

The two start singing again

Oh Charlie, you must slay the dragon with the Princess!
You and Bill and Lia!
You must slay the dragon with the …

Charlie: STOP SINGING! Ok, Ok, I’ll do it!

He starts walking when he hears a roar. A giant dragon swoops down and there’s an EPIC BATTLE! Charlie gets knocked upside the head andBill and Lia dissapear somehow. Charlie wakes up laying near the now dead dragon.

Charlie: Guys? Guys? Hello? Seriously, where did you two go?

HPVU 1: Look in the lake, Charlie!

HPVU 2: Yeah, the lake!

Charlie: Guys, there’s NO LAKE!

HPVU 1: Look in the pool of dragonish bodily fluids!

HPVU: Bodily fluids, Charlie!

Charlie: Greeeeaaat. He looks in and screams as he sees a coronal cross-section of his head. Where his frontal lobe should be are the heads of his companions. Oooooh, CRAP, you guys invaded my BRAIN!!!!!!!

THE END! 🙂  

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